


So why is my heart broke?

by Stays_for_Skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Overthinking, Sad Bang Chan, Sad Han Jisung | Han
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25883068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stays_for_Skz/pseuds/Stays_for_Skz
Summary: Chan has given up on life, living out on the streets, being invisible to everyone.But he has one thing which he can't let go of.That voice of this unknown stranger...
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han
Kudos: 29





	So why is my heart broke?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This is my first time posting a Fanfiction sooo...please don't expect to much ♡  
> Also: English isn't my first language, so if there are any mistakes I am extremely sorry!  
> This story was inspired by Million Dollar Man by Lana Del Rey, so I recommend listening to that song while reading.  
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy ♡

The lights of the cars were blinding Chan as he stumbled on his way through the streets of the dirty old city that he called home, when it really wasn't more than an empty shadow of what it used to be.  
It wasn't summer afternoons on the playground, the blue sky over his head.  
It was black skies without stars, colorfull light signs of clubs and dirty streets.  
Streets on which Chan would lay all day, watching the people pass, people who still lived in the light of the sun.  
He didn't want to be one of them anymore. He'd given up on that.  
The streets and the night life had become his reality. Feeling only half alive while strolling through the dark alleys , watching the richest getting it on; they didn't even look at him.  
Being poor seemingly made him invisible.  
Or maybe he'd been invisible the whole time, maybe he'd lost all the people with the incredible gift to see what no one else could see.  
And now he was forced to live alone and forgotten till his silly little heart stopped beating.  
The asphalt below his feet was wet, though the light summer night rain had already past.  
Chan had watched the way the clouds cried, seen their tears beat down on the broken bricks and streets and ceilings of this awful place.  
The roof over his head hadn't been his. It had been the one of an abandoned building, one of the many ones at the outer corner of the town, one of the many ones Chan sometimes stayed at during the rainy seasons.  
It never snowed here. In this town things like magical white Christmas didn't exist.  
Nothing here was magical.  
At least Chan didn't have to worry about freezing to death.  
It wasn't like he wanted to live.  
But letting the cold take over him didn't sound promising either...  
Now during summer it wasn't bad.  
It was warm enough.  
Even if that was the only good thing it was SOMETHING.  
The other good thing was the reason as to why Chan was on his way now, at this late hour of the night.  
The clubs around him were familiar, not cause he'd been to them, just cause he'd past them oh so many times.  
Seen the girls in their short dresses and diamond necklaces and the man with their suit's and limo's.  
Their laughter filling the dark streets as the light of the club sign shined down on them, like the spotlight of a theater stage.  
The rich people in their biggest role.  
Performing in big mansions, expensive clubs and banks; giving their all, never breaking character as the light kept shining and the crowd kept screaming.  
Chan had stopped screaming.  
He had stopped fantasizing over stepping on that stage too someday.  
Only the best actors got to take part in this amazing play called life.  
Chan wasn't one of them.  
He belonged to the empty souls that sat at home, staring at them through his non existent TV screen.  
They were the stars, he was the no one.  
The one who walked past them on his way, not worthy of being looked at...  
His feet made their way all by themselves, down the streets, past the clubs and pretty shoes and accessories and cars, down to the big building, which was a bit further down the hill.  
The old pink light sign spelled 'One Million Club'.  
A gorgeous sign in a beautiful font on an ugly building with dirty metal walls in a color that could easily be white or grey.  
No one cared.  
The club didn't belong to the fancy clubs for the rich kids, it was one for the middle class, for the street people that still made enough money to spend their Friday nights in cheap clubs with cheap alcohol.  
For criminals and drug dealers and strippers and prostitutes.  
The police ignored the club.  
There was no use in arresting people in the dirty old building. Everyone there had done something illegal.  
Instead of dealing with the work the officers had decided to let those people do what they did.  
It was understandable.  
Even Chan didn't want to deal with them, although he was part of it.  
No.  
He was worse, didn't even have the money to enter a club like that.  
Yet every Friday he came walking down the hill, walking over to the little gap between the club building and the old empty house next to it.  
It was dark, Chan couldn't see the ground, but he'd walked this way so many times, he really didn't have to.  
Also he didn't want to. Clean floors didn't exist in this city, and the rotten smell that hit his nose every single time he walked this path assured him that this place was no exception.  
After a few seconds in the dark Chan reached the wall, which he climbed up, like all the many times before, so used to the old stones below his feet and hands.  
He'd hardly settled down on the wall, when the sound started filling the old backyard, which mostly consisted out of trash canes and asphalt, glowing in the light of the high sitting windows of the club.  
Summer.  
A good season cause they opened the windows to let air in.  
Even from the wall there was no way to look through the windows.  
But Chan didn't care. He wasn't here to spy on strippers and drug dealers.  
He was here for the music that wavered through the open window, pouring down and washing around Chan, making his sore body feel light, so light like he was floating.  
It was only a few seconds till the person started singing.  
That voice.  
That voice that had Chan come back for more, every friday, no matter the weather.  
If it meant sitting on a wall for three hours in the rain he would just to hear that voice, soft and smooth, sounding like it was only there to sing for Chan.  
He'd never seen it's face.  
A man for sure.  
There were many nights Chan had shakily started standing on the wall, trying to peek through the windows, on his tip toes, dangerously close to falling.  
But there was no use, the windows were just way to high.  
So he was cursed, sitting on his wall, the stone bellow him becoming more and more painful by the second, but he stayed, almost in trance, the voice filling his ears and his lungs, causing tears to form in Chans eyes.  
Cause the voice was so beautiful and so honest, a need in it that resonated with Chan's.  
A wish, a dream and a sadness that seemed to stick to both of them.

"Your mess, glowing golden in my broken eyes.  
How do you dare to hurt me so bad?"

It didn't rhyme, but it was beautiful.  
It reminded Chan of things he'd never experienced.  
Just like everything the voice sang.  
Chan knew the songs, word by word.  
Songs bout love and passion and sex.  
Way to aesthetic for such a dirty old strip club.  
He wondered what the voice was doing here.  
That boy didn't sound like someone who belonged here, he sounded to good for this club, even for the clubs on top of the hill with all those dancing rich kids.  
That voice was to expensive for them and Chan didn't know how on earth he happened to be allowed to listen to this angel.  
The way the microphone made the voice so loud, so loud that no one could escape it, so loud that it became everything, coating the night in a soft glittery glow.  
It almost broke Chan's heart in two when the music stopped for a moment and a new voice started singing, a basic one, one that couldn't compare to the one from earlier. Chan sighed, leaning his back against the dirty wall of the building.  
Why was it so short today?  
It had only been around teen songs, songs that went past him so quickly, just cause they were so beautiful and Chan found himself so lost in them.  
Normall there were a lot more.  
Maybe the voice was busy tonight.  
Maybe the sensual dance of a girl had captured his eyes, the way she sinfully moved to his voice...  
Chan didn't belong here.  
He didn't deserve the music, he wasn't part of this life, he was invisible.  
It was the same thing everytime.  
The voice started singing and it felt like for the first time in ages all those empty holes in Chan's heart were filled. No worries and no regrets.  
Then the voice stopped and it was like all the life was sucked out of Chan, filling him with embarassement and regret.  
Like everytime he had to realize how disgustingly unwanted he was.  
When he had to realize that he and the voice weren't the same, although it felt like the voice was the only one who understood him, singing songs that could be the melody of Chans heart, almost like they knew each other, though they had never met.  
And although Chan knew he didn't belong here, he still came back every single Friday.  
It was his personal heaven and hell,  
A sweet form of selfharm he'd willingly endure to hear that voice again one more time.  
But it was over again for today. Just 7 more days until he'd come back.  
Just 21 more bottles of beer and 6 more sleepless nights.  
He'd make it.  
Not cause he wanted to live.  
But because he wanted to listen.  
Sometimes he wished the voice could just sing him to death.  
It'd be a sweet one for sure...  
Chan begann lifting his leg over the wall, when the back door swung open, a young boy stumbling in the backyard.  
It would have been time to jump of the wall, but Chan was frozen, watching the boy turn in the direction of the open door, now standing covered in golden lights.  
His blonde hair softly moving in the light summer night breeze, just like his white see-through shirt, the sleeves long and puffy around the boys slim wrists, which were covered in thin silver bracelets.  
His gorgeous face was covered in tears, the watery layer making his puffy cheeks seem like they were covered in glitter.  
His huge eyes looked at the door, a mixture of fear and despair haunting his beautiful features.  
The boy reached out his foot, pressing it against the door, like it was made of a material that would burn him, if his bare skin would touch it.  
The door fell shut, causing the boy to exhale in relief as he walked over to the wall of the building, just to press his back against it and sink down, slightly tilting his head up to look at the dark sky, the dim light from the windows reflecting from his soft skin.  
Chan waited.  
He didn't know for what.  
But he waited.  
And waited.

"One for the money, and two for the show,  
I love you honey, I'm ready to go.  
How did you get that way?  
I don't know...  
You screwed up and brilliand, look like a million dollar man,  
So why is my heart broke?"

It was him, he was the voice.  
And for some reason Chan wasn't surprised, for some reason it was so obvious.  
Even now that he was sitting there, crouched, his voice breaking from all the tears he cried, it was still beautiful.  
He was beautiful.  
Breathetaking...  
And Chan didn't know why this gorgeous talented boy was here. He didn't belong in a dirty place like this...  
The boys seamingly started scanning his surroundings, looking at all the trash canes, which were lined up at the walls.  
Chan was aware that the boy would see him, but he didn't care.  
He had to see him.  
He had to see the voice.  
Just in that second the boys eyes fell on Chan, widening in shock.  
He stayed quiet, just eyeing him, seemingly unsure of what to say.  
And Chan couldn't blame him.  
What do you say to that random stranger that is sitting on the wall next to a stripping club and just watched you cry and sing your heart out?  
It was, admittedly a pretty ridiculous situation.  
The voice, better said the boy, seemed to agree, just staring at Chan wide eyed.  
"I'm so sorry. But you're voice...it is incredibly beautiful, I just had to listen" Chan mumbled ashamed, slightly flinching at his own voice.  
It was raspy and shaky.  
He'd almost forgotten what it sounded like, there was no one to talk to anyway.  
The boys brown eyes looked at Chan with an emotion that he could hardly decipher.  
Sadness...surprise...?  
"Thank you" it was a whisper, so far away from the strong singing voice.  
This right here was the voice of a broken boy, and Chan knew it, cause he was one himself.  
His body shook upon the realization of someone seeing him. Someone hearing him. Someone responding to him.  
So that boy had the special power too...  
Before Chan could say something else the door swung open causing both of them to flinch.  
A tall man in a black coat stepped outside, slightly bending to grab one of the boys skinny wrists in his massive hand.  
The boys eyes were filled with fear again as he was pulled to his feet again, staring at the man again, who's face Chan couldn't see as it was hidden below a massive black hat.  
The man pulled, but so did the boy.  
"Jisung..."growled the man in a voice that made Chan shiver.  
"You. Will. Sing."  
"I don't want to" Jisungs voice was shaking in fear but he still seemed determined.  
"No one cares what you want!"  
"But-"  
"I DON'T CARE YOU LITTLE BITCH, GET ON THAT STAGE AND SING BEFORE I BREAK THAT LITTLE NECK OF YOURS!" screamed the man, following his words up with a heavy slap on Jisungs gorgeous face.  
The sound echoed in the backyard, Chan shaking as he watched the man drag a crying Jisung back inside and closing the door.  
Chan sat.  
It was like a beautiful illusion broke into pieces.  
That voice that kept him alive, that voice that belonged to Jisung, that Jisung that was treated like he was nothing but an unloved money machine.  
A few drops of water hit Chans face.  
He hadn't noticed the sky getting cloudy again.  
Just as the rain kicked in the music in the club started changing again.  
It didn't took Chan long to know which song it was.  
He knew them all...  
Once again Jisungs voice filled his ears, majestic and powerful and so so broken...

"One for the money, and two for the show,  
I love you honey, I'm ready to go.  
How did you get that way?  
I don't know...  
You screwed up and brilliand, look like a million dollar man,  
So why is my heart broke?"


End file.
